I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
