First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
