i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize