Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
