I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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