I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
