i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
