What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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