my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
