My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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