So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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