fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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