someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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