relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
