k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
