She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Randomize
