When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
