i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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