theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
