I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
