I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
