I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Actions speak louder than pants.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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