He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize