Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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