3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
