The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
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