People in love make me want to vomit
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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