I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
