Your mouth is God's brothel.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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