whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
