she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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