please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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