life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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