Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
