Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
