Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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