A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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