Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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