I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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