Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
