i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
that's an acceptable place to lick
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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