Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
