So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
