she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
