Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
