Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
