I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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