Barsexuality is the new black.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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