She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
