guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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