If i come over, it means nothing
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
