Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
