last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
