did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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