Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
